Tiny Lounge

4352 N Leavitt St
Chicago, IL 60618
(773) 463-0396

"Uggghhh, I feel awful."

"Wow. I can't believe I woke up in time for work. 9:38 am??!! What??!! Oh no!!!"

"OMG. I'm alive. Thank you, Lord."

Wake up at foot of bed with head hanging over the side, wearing only a t-shirt. My apartment is approx. 101 degrees because I forgot to turn on the a/c. The overwhelming stench of pore-seeped alcohol fills the air with angry condemnation. Wall hangings are strewn across the floor. Electrical outlets are torn out of the wall. Mail is everywhere. Garbage lies across my foyer and bathroom floor. The toilet is fresh outta Happy Chef.

"Oh dear Lord God. I think I'm gonna die."

Stumble in the door. "Gotta pee. Ugh. I think I'm gonna hurl." Falls over hall table. Tries to get up. Knocks into wall. Starts to disrobe to make it to bathroom. Knocks over garbage can. Flails around bathroom in the dark, praying for the toilet or shower. Finds one. Starts to...zzzzz. Wakes up. Stands up. Falls. "OMG. I think that evil guy bartender gave me a roofie."

"yeahum my building's overrr herrre. kthx. urr a real' nice cabbie. i'm glad u cam to 'merica. how much? hererr's twenty. kthxbye."

"Later on, man. I'm not gonna make it to the train. I'm starting to feel a little sick. I'm gonna take this cab."

"You guys aren't driving are you? No? Ok. Good. It was a pleasure having you here. Come back soon!"

"Heeey. Um, distract that girl's boyfriend while I give her my number."

"I can't do another round. *Really*"

"Hi, I'm Sarah. What can I get you?" "Do I know you? You look really familiar." Hemingway made by Sarah. Ahi Tuna tacos. WOW! So good. Strawberry milkshake alcohol drink with an umbrella made by Sarah. No shame. Tiny Cider made by some dude. "I don't taste any alcohol! The guy bartender screwed me! I want Sarah back." Pee. Shots with Sarah. "What if the guy bartender put poison in my drink?" Vodka/berry concoction Sarah made up. Shots with Sarah. Shots with Sarah. Gin/orange concoction Sarah made up. Pee.

"Good to see you, bro. How you been?"

"Let's meet up at Tiny Lounge. I hear it's really cool."

Ringring. "Hey! What's up? Yeah. I'd be in for getting a drink on Thursday. Yeah, let's do something low key because I have to get up early in the morning."

Duh!

In other breaking news, Paris Hilton is a skank.

The Happy Chef Dim Sum House

2164 S. Archer Avenue
Chicago, IL 60616
(312) 808-3689

*cradles self*

**rocks back and forth while whimpering "i'll never teeeelllll**

***tries to eat while visions of dirty diapers, clogged toilets and nasty mops flood (hyuck) the recesses of my memory banks***

...THE BATHROOMS!!! ....THE BATHROOMS.... DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY....THE BATHROOMS!!!!!!! Dem some nasty folks up at the Dim Sum House.

I HATE you, Lao Shanghai.*

*For reasons soon to be recapped.

Arrigo Park

801 S Loomis
Chicago, IL 60607

So, we were touring around Little Italy (I refuse to call it by its slave name, "University Village") when we came across this really creepy statue of Christopher Columbus. Like, Lost, creepy. Hmm, no, maybe more like those paintings on Scooby Doo where the eyes came alive and followed folks. Yeah, like that. So, as we were contemplating what lies in the shadow of the statue, I thought to myself, "I really like this park."

No, it wasn't the threat of polar bears lounging on the beach or buggy-eyed weirdos that gave me Stockholm-Syndrome and made me think I liked something that was, actually, bad for me. It was:

-the cool entrance to the park. As creepy as the statue is, it is impressive. It's large, looming and distinct. Surrounding the statue is an undulating concrete design that goes well with the pool of water in which CC stands (and glares). Chicago is known for its architecture and I love finding small gems such as the CC statue/patio to remind me of this. Our group was transfixed by the scene and spent a lot of time throwing pennies into the pool, making wishes, mocking the statue and looking over our shoulders to ensure that said statue wasn't coming alive and preparing to chase us;

-the peaceful easy feeling of the layout of the park. You won't play in a baseball diamond and it's likely you won't buy tamales from a cart here, either. This park is about sunbathing, reading books, playing frisbee and enjoying a breezy, greenspace. The park layout is rather simple: a huge plot of green grass, bounded by a thicket of trees. That's it. But this description doesn't give the park it's due. This is the kind of park that you bring your little ones to in order to play tag and tire themselves out. This is the park you come to with a blanket, your honey and...well, if you need me to fill this in for you, odds are you'll never come here with your little ones. This is the kind of park that is not too big, not too small - it's just right;

-the secret nature of the park. Like I mentioned, it's smack dab in the middle of Little Italy. It's bounded by trees and, beyond the trees, homes. The homes are large and breathtaking. This is one of the few areas of Little Italy that resembles the way the neighborhood looked before it was laid to waste by Daley the First. I felt a serenity whilst walking the grounds. In a lot of city parks, despite the beauty, you never forget that you're in a city. Not here. It's quiet and I was easily transported away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It's not sceney, but you'll feel like an insider for having made this your spot.

The above applies to the park in daytime.

If cartoon dogs, hungry stoners, immortals with guyliner and freckle-faced women who travel through time in order to mess up my girl, Juliette's, good thing are more your speed, come here at night and wear your Nikes. CC tops out at, about, a 4.35. Good luck.

Mexique

1529 W Chicago Ave
Chicago, IL 60622
(312) 850-0288

Eeee!! I loved it!! I was throwin' panties all over the place. Believe the hype. This place does it right. I was a bit apprehensive that the meal couldn't possibly hold up to the stories I'd heard. It did.

Hostess, waitress & bus staff: attentive, helpful, present, kind and (when applicable) sexy. Everyone seemed to enjoy what they were doing, where they were working and sought opportunities to help. Nice. Lace panties to the face.

Food: everything tasted incredible. Seriously. I'd never had Mexican fare served like this and with every bite, I gained a greater understanding of 'Mexican food, french style.' What I ate: tres sopes appetizer (amazing; the escargot was my favorite), tilapia (I think it was tilapia) was bathed in a spicy sauce, served with spicy cole slaw and on top a well seasoned mashed vegetable (I want to say...cauliflower...?) that helped balance out all the heat. Dessert was the chocolate enchiladas. Incredible. Chocolate served as enchiladas...with chocolate sauce!! During the appetizer, Chef Carlos came over to check on us, describe the food, how it should be savored and experienced and what we should order depending on our mood & tastes. I know he does it for everyone, but I appreciated his interest in his customers. Sexy care deserves sexy panties. Satin thong lovingly draped over the ears.

Decor: hip but not annoying. The lighting is low but not romantic. The glassware was cool. The wide mouthed, no-stem wine glasses helped my white wine breathe and allowed me to get my greasy paws around it without fear of dropping it and looking foolish. At first, I didn't like how close the tables were to each other...but that meant plenty of bubbly booties in my face! Yay! I like a show with my dinner. Edible panties (not worn before being thrown; I'm not nasty).

I'll be back. And I'll be wearing more pairs of panties to throw. I nearly ran out. Nearly.

Lovely: A Bake Shop

1130 N Milwaukee Ave
Chicago, IL 60622
(773) 572-4766

Truth in advertising.

Lovely in the past: I walk in this place and I just feel...good. Not "Ohh, I wanna DANCE wit' someBODEH..." good or "Oh no, LET'S go.." good but, like, "Happiness is..finding a nickel...daytime and nighttime too...cuz happiness is anything or anyone at all...that's looooved byyyy youuu." I learned that song for a fourth grade recital. That's how I feel at Lovely. I feel like a nine year old little boy with no cares other than singing a Charlie Brown song whilst standing on a riser.

Lovely in the present: Yeah, shabby chic is sorta done. And, yeah, dirty menchildren in tight stretchjeans make me itch. But the lovely ladies who work here seem so earnest in their interactions...the space is so homey and inviting...none of the bad stuff seems to matter. The food helps. The sandwiches are filling and just different enough to not be typical (I enjoy the turkey with garlic/shallot spread, red peppers and provolone cheese). The cupcakes are deliciously homemade and authentic. Typically, I wolf down sweets. I take the time to taste these. I _know_!!

Lovely in the future: This is the kind of place where I can steal glimpses of the future. Glimpses that involve cute toddlers, sundresses, bare feet on green grass, giggling and happiness. Who knows why? Maybe it's the warm weather. Maybe it's the warm smiles behind the counter. Maybe it's the sugar in the tarts. I dunno. It's sorta like this place is a physical version of Jason Mraz's "Lucky." Yeah. Maybe that's it. Lovely.

Crocodile

1540 N Milwaukee Ave
Chicago, IL 60622
(773) 252-0880

So, here's the thing: I didn't hate it. I thought I would. I was even looking forward to hating it. I haven't hated on a place in a long time and I was all set to chug a 64 oz. bottle of Ruby Red Haterade. But I didn't. The description is a bit misleading. I was expecting something out of a college fraternity house - you know, basement with mismatched (and filthy) couches, sticky (and filthy) floors, busted up (and filthy) beer pong table, cheap (and filthy) Jeno's personal pizzas, skanky (and filthy) townie girls of questionable age. I was surprised to not find any of this.

The place was bright and clean (for a fratty lounge). I didn't have to prop my head from touching the banquets for fear of catching head lice. The drinks were decent - although I, typically, only get bottle drinks at bars lest I catch a case of the herps thanks to non-washed re-used glasses. The pizzas were tasty and non-Jeno's. The booty was eye catching but I was much too sleepy to try to touch any of it.

Decent.

Two problems. 1.) The music. I was hoping for 90s rap/hip hop. I have been watching old episodes of Living Single recently and I miss _that_ NYC (not the homogenized, overpriced and boring NYC that exists now). I wanted some New Jack swing. I wanted to get my nails did with Coko & SWV. Instead I was subjected to droning monotone 'beats' straight outta Rockford. No. 2.) I was molested by a crackhead. To my assailant: you drug-addled, greasy-haired, halitosis-spewing methqueen...no one in my party had your F---ing backpack, lest of all me.!! I was too in shock to do anything to you at the moment but, trust, if I see you again, expect a karate chop to the Adam's apple.

But, not as bad as I expected, Crocodile.