SUSHISAMBA rio

504 N Wells St
Chicago, IL 60610
(312) 595-2300

After many millennia, I suppose Hell got crowded. It belched and from its fiery methane sprang the evil that is Sushi Samba Nasty. This place is horrible.

My friends and I eat out pretty regularly. We like all sorts of cuisine and go all over the city. Before I got really stressed about mercury in my salmon and tuna, I used to love sushi. This trip to the netherland happened before I gave up the yummy fish.

The place was packed with, what I thought was, a suburban crowd. Minus a point. I am all for suburban crowds. I will run you over to get some dessert at Billy Berk's. Thing is, when I am getting ready to drop some cash around 'pretty people', I want the genuine article. I tried to make my way to my friends who were lounging at the bar. In order to get to them, I had to go through a gauntlet of "Night at the Roxbury" guys. And yes, I was crotch bounced back and forth between them. I don't want to talk about it.

I finally got to my friends and our table was ready (SO happy I made my way through the crowd...only to make my way back). We sat, I ordered a drink and appetizers, exhaled and got ready to eat some good, if overpriced, sushi.

And then came the tears.

I got what can only be described as an "ass roll." It was beyond nasty. I don't remember all of the ingredients (by this point in the night, I was running back and forth from my table to the street, waving my hands and having other unfortunate side effects from my psychotic break) but central in my memory is cheese. Swiss cheese. THERE WAS MELTED SWISS CHEESE ON MY MAKI ROLL!!! Now, one could say, "Dear Sir, why ever would you order something so obviously disgusting?" To wit, I would respond, "I love cheese. I live in the MidWest. I love cheese." As dim-witted as my choice may have been, I would have expected my server to be like, "Dude. No." instead of rolling her eyes, popping gum and texting on her Blackberry: omg! i SO h8 work. 4 realz. LOL this t0t@l dumb@$$ just ordered the @ss roll. LOLOLOLOL! w8. he's talking. laterz.

My friends were laughing at my poor choice. They made bets amongst them with the penalty for losing the bet to have to choke down a piece of ass roll. All I know is that I was so hungry, pissed and tired by this point, I threw my hands up and declared that Sushi Samba Nasty had won. Pleased to have broken my spirit, the demonic force that powers that place (the red lights and gas in the central area of the main dining room) bellowed, cackled and gave me a bill for $160 with a p.s. that it "just kicked [my] ass. Laterz."

I hate this place.