Slight break

I need to take a slight break to refigure the way this blog is going to work. Don't cry for me, [4-syllable location]. This is a good thing. This is a VERY good thing. I'll be back soon enough. I promise.

Cost Plus World Market

2844 N Broadway St
Chicago, IL 60657
(773) 477-9912

Despite having lived in this neighborhood for 4.5 years, I had never gone into this store. I'd always mentally checked this place off as "the store with the giant wooden giraffes. Who buys that stuff??" and kept it moving. Then one night I was stalk...um, closely follo...er, forget you read any of that. I wound up in here and, in the midst of ducking behind & betwixt aisles, I began to notice that this place sells really cool stuff.

Surprisingly, I left the store as a single man. But I wasn't put out for too long because I'd found my go-to store for classiness. Yep, I am on my way to becoming The Continental. "How," you ask? It is really, ah, ah quite simple.

First, I buy scented candles and incense here. I find that the art of seduction is best aided by sumptuous, fragrant aromas. For some reason, musk is no longer a popular smell/candle. I don't know why. In any event, the World Market (Cost Plus sounds so...Sam's Club), has an abundance of candles, incense and holders from which to choose. Secondly, pillows. Yes, the World Market sells all sorts of furniture, but wood just gets in the way, n'est-ce pas? Oui, it does. I find that a good assortment of conversational adornments adds to dialogue and presents the opportunity to try them out. Thirdly, and this is the most important piece, wine. The World Market has great wines from around the world and offers them at great prices. My BYO secret? The wine cheat sheets. For every bottle of wine sold in the racks, you can discover the country, region, suggested food pairings, tastes and elements of the wine. This way, when you arrive at your Filipino/Japanese fusion spot with a bottle of South African rose', you look like a genius gourmand and no one is the wiser. Until now. Hmm. It's ok. I'm a sharer. A nurturer. I help people. And with the help of the World Market, I'm going to beat this "single" thing.

Recap: candles, incense, pillows, wine = Johnny T getting his Continental on. That's right. Stick to the script, offer no substitutions and you, too, can regale lovelies with enchanting - dare I say, bewitching - tales. But, if things go sour, buy white wine. It burns the eyes less than red and it doesn't stain. "Wow! Wowie-wow-wow-wow!"

Luscious Layers Bakery

2315 N Damen Ave
Chicago, IL 60647
(773) 661-1335

Once upon a time, there were two little girls: LiLy and Molly. Although both liked to bake cupcakes, their styles were very different. LiLy filled her cupcakes with love, sunshine and roses. Molly, a bad seed of a child, filled her cupcakes with chaos, maladies and DickCheneysauce. They both grew up and opened cupcake shops in the Second City of Wind. This is the story of LiLy the Good's cupcake shop - Luscious Layers...

This place is the best cupcake deal in town. $1 for a full sized, real cake (not cupcake cake - REAL cake), specialty cupcake? In Bucktown? What? It's true. Because the sight of myself in only a pair of underwear doesn't already make me cry hard enough, I decided that I should treat myself to some cupcakes. After all, swim suit season is behind us and sweaters are very forgiving. I walked in the front door and...what is this? Is this place a front for the mob? It's empty. There was just some lonely guy, sitting behind a sad looking cupcake display. I had my "mmm hmm" face at the ready. This couldn't possibly be the source of cupcake bliss.

Oh, but it is.

The guy worked the front of the house, while LiLy (or, Ashley) commandeered an army of rainbows and unicorns to make her delectable delights. The cupcake selection changes daily, so check the web site before you come in. I was hoping for Honey or Lavender but I was out of luck. What they DID have was Creme Brule, French Toast, Mojito and something else that escapes me. I tried three of the mini cupcakes (fresh from the cooler display) and was happy enough with how they tasted. I ordered a white with Mojito, Chocolate Cardamom and a white with Raspberry. The nice guy at the counter let me know that the large sized Mojito varied from it's mini doppelganger by virtue of it's creamy middle. Ok. Thanks. Later on.

When I got home, instead of putting the cupcakes in the fridge to keep them cool like they were in the store, I left them on my counter while I flopped on the couch and watched WordGirl. Satisfied with how Becky saved the day and eager NOT to watch that know-it-all Maya (and her beat down twin Miguel), I happened upon the white with Mojito cupcake. STOP THE PRESSES!! These cupcakes should only be eaten at room temperature. What was polite indifference at the store ("Justify my Love," if you will) turned into blind wanton lust at home ("Erotica"). Every part of this cupcake was scrumptious. The white cake was flavorful and cake-y (but light). The frosting was sugary, flakey and creamy (yes, all three at once). And the creamy middle was what those Hostess cupcakes always dreamt of being. Incredible. I fought the urge to devour the cupcake in one bite. I savored the flavor. Eating these cupcakes too quickly should be a crime. Luckily, I have two others.

...and, I lived happily ever after.

Calypso Cafe

5211 S Harper Ave
Chicago, IL 60615
(773) 955-0229

Obama made me do it! I mean, how can you come to Hyde Park and NOT eat at the Dixie Kitchen? It's tasty good Sout...er, what's that? It is? Really? Oops! Um...cue the steel drums!! Wehlcom tue Calypso Cafe, mon!! Me lovin' de island flavors!

Actually, I was a little bored by them. By the time we got to CC, we had traipsed all over Hyde Park on the monthly neighborhood tour. I wasn't as hungry as I should have been due to an ill-timed (but sooo yummy) Istria Cafe super-sized chocolate/raisin/nut cookie. So, maybe I should try the Cafe on an empty stomach. Nothing was bad and a few things were really really good. Too bad for me, the majority of it was nothing I ordered.

The bland: I ordered the pulled pork sandwich. Figuring that CC had absorbed Dixie Kitchen's southern gems, I thought I'd hit a home run with my order. The sandwich was a good size but the sauce was a little too vingegar-y for my tastes. Add to that, the pork was more dry & stringy than wet & pulled. I tried to salvage it by topping it with my cole slaw but that didn't help too much. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't memorable. The red beans that came with my sandwich were pretty disappointing. They were mushy and devoid of great taste. I'd had the black eyed peas at Dixie. I should have ordered them again.

The good: peach colada. Like Dave Foley before me, I am not ashamed to admit I am a girl drink drunk. The colada was frosty, refreshing, blended and I drank it with a straw. Also good: everything Ralph ordered. As Rhonda detailed, Ralph had the magical plate. Johnny Cakes: delicious. Fried green tomatoes: didn't try them because they came without remoulade but Rhonda liked 'em (I don't know that Ralph got to eat any). PLANTAIN NACHOS: holla if you hear me!! You know how that crazy woman with the super botoxed face on So You Think You Can Dance just screams because she hasn't mastered the art of speaking in full sentences? These nachos will make you do that. Hot.Damn those are good! And they're loaded. Every chip is full of bean and cheese and pico. Aw man, I could have made a meal of Ralph's lunch. Rhonda did.

Moral of the story: if you come to Calypso Cafe, bring Ralph and eat his food. And make him pay for it. It _is_, after all, his food.

P.S. Thanks to our waiter for great service. Due to the size of our group, we were stuck with automatic gratuity. Because of this, our waiter could have disappeared and given us attitude. He did not. He was attentive and helpful...and appreciated. Thanks!

Falafill

3202 N Broadway
Chicago, IL 60657
(773) 525-0052

Those darn veggies!! Always trying to convert folks to their meat-free lifestyle! Sure, I experimented with hummus once or twice. It was college! But, to be walking down the street and to be *forced* into eating at a restaurant pushing a meatless agenda on the public...why, it's just shameful!!

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against a vegetarian meal like you would get at Falafill. I mean, who hasn't thought about a warm pita filled with falafel, hummus and fava bean spread? And, I mean, could you *blame* me for wanting to fill it with dill, garlic *and* jalapeno sauces? The beets and pickled turnips just sorta *fell* in there. I..I...didn't know what I was doing. I thought it was chicken...or bacon. Yeah, I thought it was bacon.

And the taste...oh man...the taste. It was so familiar, yet so different. Full of flavor and completely filling, I don't know how to describe it. Ok, ok, I do! It was delicious! Is that what you want to hear?? I admit it. I ate some dill and I liked it. The taste of its veggie chapstick... Hey! What I eat behind closed doors is my own business.

A change to Falafill's to-go protocol will change this review from a 3.5 to something higher. I had to carefully balance my chick pea secret in some sort of french bread bag. Luckily, just a little sauce fell out. Additionally, the value meal doesn't add much of a value. $10+ for a sandwich, fries and drink doesn't strike me as a great deal. Fix this. And, if anyone asks, I didn't *really* like it. Weeell, maybe a little. Don't tell anyone, ok?

Roeser's Bakery

3216 W North Avenue
Chicago, IL 60647
(773) 489-6900

Ooh, chile!! Touch me in the mornin'! After I bought my goodies and BEFORE I ate them, I caught a case of happy feet and I had to shout! I had waited months to be at this very moment in time and I had to pause & reflect in that moment before I dug in. To get here, I had suffered through long days, nights and WEEKENDS at the office - going without meals, sleep and shaving. To get here, I played real, live Pole Position on the streets of Chicago - flipping off drivers and shaking my fist at jaywalkers. To get here, I waited as a clown car full of children raced past me into the bakery, took numbers from the number-pulley-thingie and practiced their best screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-while-running-a round voices. To get here, *I* got a side-eye from the parent of said Lord of the Flies children - for giving *them* a side eye!

But, I was here. This was now. My moment had arrived. I felt like Kelly Clarkson as she won American Idol and choked up while singing, "A Moment Like This." I took a bite of my apple fritter and a single tear fell from my eye. I took some more bites. Faster and faster. Not all of the food wound up in my mouth. I had several large crumbs stuck in my mountain man beard. No time to stop. I must eat more. I cracked open my chocolate milk chug, took a swig and brought the rest of the fritter home. Oh, could life be this good? Was I being rewarded for keeping the faith? I tested my luck and took a bite of my chocolate frosted cake donut. Two bites. Three. Done. Like the crafty owl who clowned that little kid into finding out how many licks it takes to eat a Tootsie Pop, I had taken down my donut in three bites. Okay, okay. Maybe it was five bites. Owls have big mouths.

Crazed and life transformed, I started to run into North Avenue traffic to testify. I had to spread the word. Yeah, this place has been open for ALMOST 100 YEARS but people didn't know. They.just.didn't.know. However, I stopped myself. This is North Ave and the drivers will run my sugar-crazed ass over. I couldn't die. Not today. I still had a glazed donut (with five whole strawberries in the middle) to eat. But, I waited until the next day to eat it. I'm not completely uncivilized.

Dolce

4114 N Kedzie Ave
Chicago, IL 60618
(773) 866-1910

Oompia Lumpia
Doopia Doo
I have another riddle for you

Well, I actually don't. But I couldn't resist talking about Pinoy food without the bad pun. Sorry. And, in the spirit of openness, I am friends with a good friend of the owner. That said...

THIS PLACE IS GOOD, Y'ALL!! I came here for the soft opening and I liked it right away. First off, it's in Irving Park. When's the last time you came to Irving Park? I love patronizing places in non RiverBucker Park North. That was the first awesome. I was able to find ample, easy, non metered parking. That was the second awesome. A man who reminded me of the Simpsons' Crazy Cat Lady started yelling in my direction when I parked. That wasn't awesome...but had nothing to do with Dolce.

The inside - easily, the third awesome. There's hard wood, exposed brick and an open floor plan. As the place settles in, I'd like to see more done with seating options. There are a lot of two tops around the perimeter and a lot of unused space. As I think this could be a group destination, I'd like to see more seating geared towards parties of five or so. But, this is a hiccup. I was here for the food. (But, before the food, I hustled some friends in a Filipino card game. That was the fourth awesome.)

The food (fifth awesome) is centered around Filipino, Japanese and Italian food. Right now, all three types of food are served separately. As Dolce gets its sea legs, I'd like to see some fusion in the dishes. More on that later. Since it's BYO until the liquor license thing works out (read: pay the alderman), I came prepared with a South African rose'. It was the perfect match to my Asian pork-y dinner. For appetizer, I had the lumpia. As I said in my Isla Pilipina review, I could eat lumpia whilst writhing in condiments for all the world to see. It's delicious. And it's delicious here. My main course was the Tocino. In.Credible. It's crispy, sweet, savory, tender, amazingly flavorful pork. I don't know how they get one pig to be so many things, but I applaud them for the result. The Tocino was served with rice and small, dressed salad. Delicious. Dessert was creamy green tea ice cream and that was a hit as well.

As delicious as the food is, I suggest switching it up some and fusing some of the dishes. For example, serve the Tocino with ginger-infused rice. Maybe the lumpia could be served with some sort of marinara/pepper-type sauce instead of the traditional sweet and sour. And the green tea ice cream? That could be green tea gelato. All I'm saying is you have three great cuisines to pick from. Why not try switching it up and playing with flavors? My consulting fee is in the mail.

The sixth awesome - the crowd. Wow! There were some smokin' hot folks walking around. Usually, I only say that when Jerome is holding my mirror, but I have to give props where they're deserved. Food tastes better when you eat it around sexy folks. It's a fact. It's why you see my life-sized cutout in so many Michelin rated restaurants. Don't hate. I'm just sayin'.

And I'm sayin' you should get a bottle of your favorite wine, head to Irving Park with some friends, look grown & sexy and prepare to spend an evening eating great food in a great space. Just don't be distracted by the disarmingly attractive man you see in the corner. I'm not really there. It's just my cardboard cut out. Mmmm, doesn't that food taste better already? That's the seventh awesome.