The Red Canary

695 N. Milwaukee Ave.
Chicago, IL 60642
(312) 846-1475

If Blue Canaries hang out in outlets by light switches and Black Canaries fight crime, what do Red Canaries do? If this place is any indication, they kick puppies. Wow. Complete let down, this place was. My friends and I scouted this place as a possibility for upcoming birthday celebrations - either for dinner or drinks. It failed in every aspect.

Building: It's in the old Avenue M spot so anyone who was there, has been here. With the exception of chandeliers and red walls, this place looks the same...that is, if you can see it. We came here at 7 and it was pitch black inside. We could barely see each other and we were sitting by a window. Not good. The bathrooms are at the end of a long hallway. I liked this. You could model strut (and smile with your eyes) your way past the kitchen and strike a pose before doing your business. But, if you do, you better have some hand wipes with you. The bathroom was sans hand towels. Not THAT big a deal...except the guy who came out of the bathroom before me was an employee. Not good. From what I heard, the women's bathroom had a large crack in the mirror. Isn't that "The Omen"-style bad luck? Not good.

Food: At the price point the food is offered, it's way overpriced and under-served. We ordered about 6 entrees between the four of us. I was underwhelmed. Hmm, let's see. Fries: ho-hum. Jambalaya: bland (former New Orleanian here). Pork belly. Good. SHORT (you ain't just whistlin' Dixie...) rib. Dunno (don't eat beef). Lobster something. Boring. The croquette. Ok. But nothing wowed me. To be fair, nothing was awful. But, for the portion size you get and the quality of the food, either lob off a couple of bucks here or there or make the portions bigger or....make it better. Butbutbut, Johnny T...the chef has worked at the best restaurants for the past FORever!! So? George W has degrees from Harvard and Yale. Your point is...? Paying A prices for C quality is not the business. Not good.

Drinks: Weak. Our first round was a complete disaster. Nothing we ordered had ANY kick. Nor did they have the proper ingredients. One round of libations was frustrated by the lack of ORANGE JUICE behind the bar. Really? No Orange juice? Stop. Just stop. Shut the doors. Drive to Dominick's. Buy some d@mn OJ. Not good. For a place that specializes in drinks, I expect them to wow me. Violet Hour. Wows. Tiny Lounge. Wows (and incapacitates). This? ..... Try to say something nice about the drinks...Oh! Ice is a special feature of many of the drinks here. Rather than alcohol or mixers, you'll find the drinks at Red Canary lovingly filled to the brim with boulder-sized ice cubes. 'Ice' is the new 'drink 'in 2009 dontcha know.

Service: The wheels? They are off. Way off. It took twelve minutes for the waitress to greet us. We should have left. When she finally came by, she told us that the bussers would be by to give us some water. And they did - at the end of the meal. [I kid you not. They walked past our table all evening and not once stopped to give us (fill? Ha!) water until our food was gone.] Embarrassed that no one had come by, the waitress generously filled our glasses with cucumber water. We didn't realize this was a good thing until we suffered through drinks with no mixers, no choice ingredients and/or no...drink. But, at the end of our meal, we couldn't get the bussers to stop serving us water. And plates. After a meal of snafus, the busser came by and gave our party small plates and new silverware. "Oh, we're getting comped desserts. Cool." No. He was JUST PLACING THE PLATE AND STEMWARE FOR THE NEXT CUSTOMERS WHILE WE WERE STILL SITTING!!! I asked him, point blank, what he was doing and this is what he said. Not good. Scratch 'not good.' Try health code violation! I was incensed at this point.

I asked for the check.

There's some weird math thing going on here. Busser to waitress face time is an inverse ratio. The more we saw one, the less we saw of another. We flagged our waitress down and asked for the check. We waited. And waited. We lay our heads down on the table. We told the table next to us to leave & save themselves. AFTER TWENTY-TWO MINUTES, the waitress comes by and claims that the printer was unable to print checks. Orly? My friend, Lady J, springs into action, goes to the bar, demands our check, HAS ONE PRINTED OUT and gets a $35 comp. Then, the waitress comes back to the table and claims credit for the comp - in front of Lady J! Ballsy or stupid? I don't know. To her credit, the waitress grimaced and mentioned what a 'disaster' the evening was. One star for absent lucidity.

To wit: Red Canary is to restaurant/lounges as sharts are to thong bikini bottoms.