Czech Plaza Restaurant

7016 Cermak Rd
Berwyn, IL 60402
(708) 795-6555

Perhaps I chose poorly. I have spent time in Eastern Europe. I have had the food. I have eaten well. This was not my experience at Czech Plaza. I must admit that my motives in coming here were not pure. I was on the hunt for the next Paulina Porizkova. She was not here. My disappointment grew from this point.

I brought my friend to Berwyn the day after he got cooties from a Cocktail stripper. Neither one of us had had Czech food before, nor had we ever been to Berwyn, so we thought this would be the perfect place to catch up, have an adventure and try some ethnic food. Granted, I can miss the side of a barn when I am zoning out and driving, but I didn't see this place. It's right on Cermak/22, but unless you are studying for the numbers, you'll pass it by. It's an unassuming building, which is fine. I am not here for the party. I am here for the food.

Our really nice waitress greeted my friend and me and I was charmed by her genuine friendliness. We were the only two brown folks in the place and were the youngest by a good forty years - we stood out. Nevertheless, we were greeted and treated with nothing but courtesy. My friend ordered water and I got a big, honkin' Czech beer served in a gigantic glass. Things are looking good. Now, I had done my homework. I knew that I could get a copious amount of food for little cash. I was ready to order. I ordered...and the waitress was not feeling it. My friend had shamed me by ordering something off the superspecial™ menu. My fried porkchops were not going to cut it. I relented and ordered the 1/4 duck and pork chop with cabbage and dumplings and liver dumpling soup.

The food. There was a lot of it. But it didn't taste particularly good. In fact, it didn't taste much like anything. The soup was a broth with a GIANT liver meatball in the middle of it. Yes, I ordered a liver dumpling soup. I was ready for liver. But this? This was LLLIIIVVVEERRR. I thought happy thoughts as I carved (yep) into it. I remembered why I hadn't had liver & onions since I was a boy. It wasn't a bad taste. It was the mental game of what I was eating. They should have called it "brown candy." No problems eating that. My entree was equally laborious. The duck and pork were both boiled to brown greyness. It made me sad to look at. My dumplings were heavy and plentiful. I was hoping for light, pierogi-like fare. Nah. These were DENSE. The potato that bore these babies must have been a good fifty feet and fifty pounds. My cabbage (and I like cabbage) was awash in a thick, sweet sauce. I didn't care for it. I like my cabbage dry and crisp. Broken of spirit and out of breath from attempting to eat my meal, I perked up at the idea of dessert. Mmm, I like dessert. Not this one. I got the apple strudel. I was cold...and tasteless. Disappointing.

Again, nothing tasted bad, per se, but nothing was really good. It was culinary muzak - heavy, drab and a little depressing muzak. Hmm, maybe not muzak. Maybe it was more like a dirge. Ah man, I am sounding so mean. And I don't mean to be...but this meal was exhausting in a bad way. My food baby came by way of Rosemary. If this is indicative of Czech food, I fear that my time in Prague will be spent at Burger King.