Fiestas Puertorriquenas

1400 N Sacramento Ave
Chicago, IL 60622
(773) 292-1414

If you weren't at the spot, I don't know what you were doing. Every year, the Puerto Rican Fest brings it!

First things first about the Fest, it's free. That's right. No matter where you happen upon the Park to enter into a Boricua wonderland, you won't have to pay a penny for the privilege of having some world class fun. You hear that, Art Fairs and Neighborhood fests??!! Here at the FP, there are no jack booted Chads and Trixies shaking folks down for a $20 'donation' just to enter the 'free' festival aka public streets and walkways [but what a great scam that is; wish I'd have thought of it]. If you're not a fabulous jet-setter like Vamsi or Preet (mm-hmm, that's right; I called you out for going to Puerto Rico and not taking me), this might be the next best thing.

I like to enter the Park/Fest at North & California. I walk south down California, past the shirt, corn and other vendors and then cut up into the Park at the first closed gate. This route will also let you gaze into one of the many water ways of Humboldt Park and marvel at its beauty. Walk past the big rig trucks and you'll come upon the midway. Remember when you were a kid and went to the state fair? Well, all the awesome rides of your youth are here for you to enjoy: haunted house, tilt-a-whirl, bumper cars, etc. But watch out: there are plenty of youngsters and families about and, apparently, it's bad form to push the little kids out of the way so you can cut in line. Who knew? You need tickets to ride the ride, but there are plenty of booths that will trade your money for tickets.

After you've thrown up from the rides (or been escorted out of line by the CPD, potato potatoe), play some carnival games (whack a mole, ring toss, dart throw, that water-gun-horse-game that makes no sense and a host of others) or get some grub! Games are everyday. Corn pancakes with melted cheese inside only comes once a year. There's so much food! Rice, pork, sweet plantains, pinchos (pronounce the "p"; otherwise it'll sound like you asked for a bicho which will get you either a slap or a date), empanadillas, pinonoes, alcapurrias and other fried deliciousness. As tempting as it will be to get food at the first booth you see, don't. Window shop, compare prices and go for the places with the longest lines.

Some people walk and eat. Um, no. I need a seat. You can try to blend in with the bingo-playing grandmas (prime real estate with a tarp, chairs and everything) but they tend to side-eye you if you aren't playing. There are plenty of grassy tree lounges or benches. I don't do dirt, so I recommend the bench. Be aware that they are hot and you will burn your culo. Be prepared.

Has all that food left you thirsty? If so, grab a hollowed-out pineapple filled with pina colada. They look great and are re-fillable. They're also huge (around $8). I heard that this is an alcohol-free event, but I also heard someone got a $10 strawberry daquiri that was 60% rum, 35% ice and 5% strawberries. I also heard this person fell down after drinking half of it. No, I don't have a bruise.

While you sip your fruity beverage, tour the various booths. Register to vote, buy a quality knock-off (no Fendis out of trunks at this Fest), get some body oils, various Puerto Rican flag clothing or people watch. I saw a little kid with a tricked out tricycle that played, no, BUMPED, music and had a chrome box on the back. But for the witnesses, I would have jacked him for it. It was really nice.

Still anxious for more? Good. The event producers are on top of their game and they have a ton of corporate sponsors. That means money for great music acts, quality sound systems, corporate tents (the Wrigley tent has Wii games to play, flavored oxygen to breathe and cooling centers) and various contests. My favorite contest is the reggaeton dance-for-concert-tickets contest which always devolves to an ass-shaking competition. It's awesome. There's plenty of popping, dropping, toe touching, wiggling, shaking, stripping and floor humping - and those are the men; seriously. But male contestants have to leave their shirts on. "There are kids in the audience."

I've never stayed to see the night concerts. Invariably, I am sunburned, tipsy and in the early throes of a food coma. From what I hear, the night concerts are a lot of fun...but the frolicking family atmosphere of the day is replaced by the tomfoolery of teens and young adults. Since I am a brownstone stoop away from beating those self-same youngsters with a cane, I leave before dark. But the really good reggaeton, bachata, etc. acts are at night so...choose wisely according to interest.

Forget what you heard about how 'scary' HP is and get to the Fest. It's so much fun. For a week, everyone is Puerto Rican. Get your flag, attach it to your car, cruise the circuit, honk your horn and viva boricua/Puerto Rico.